English the American Way: A Fun ESL Guide to Language and Culture in the U.S. » Unit 18: Full Circle
Although health care in this country has made it possible for Americans to live longer and more active lives well into their late senior years, serious illness and death are as much a part of life as birth and living. With old age come chronic illnesses and serious diseases. Most of these can be treated with good medical care, but often they cannot be cured. When a loved one becomes ill with a serious and incurable disease, Americans often rely on the same support systems that they depended on during earlier, happier times: family and friends.
These support systems can help with important care decisions as we become sick or unable to take care of ourselves. There are many things to think about, and there are many services available to help someone facing end-of-life issues. Even people lucky enough to be with family may need some extra help.
As we age, many people begin to think about planning for these end-of-life issues. Family and friends can help by talking about the choices to be made. Very often a person will want to prepare a living will while he is still healthy. This allows the person to make choices now about what care he wants to have if he becomes seriously ill. For example, some people may decide that if their heart stops, they do not want medical professionals to make it start again. This is known as a DNR order. The living will is a legal document that must be followed. In the living will, a person can make very clear what medical procedures he will allow.
A living will can be very clear about what machines someone will allow in her care plan. Someone may decide that if she is no longer able to breathe on her own, then she does not want to be placed on a ventilator. She may state in the living will that she does not want a feeding tube.
A person can also create a legal document called Power of Attorney that will allow another person to make all medical decisions. If someone is so sick that she cannot express herself, then the person she chooses will make decisions about health care. This person is usually a family member or a friend who knows exactly what the person’s wishes are.
For someone facing the end of life, hospice care provides comfort and many services. A team of people will come to the home and make sure that the dying person is as comfortable as possible. The most important thing they hope to do is be sure the dying person has the best quality of life in the time he has left. The team includes doctors and nurses who will supervise any medical care. Because hospice care is for the dying, medical professionals are not focused on treating the illness; they are only concerned with making sure the person is comfortable and in no pain. Volunteers may help with taking care of the house and offering time off to family members who don’t want to leave their loved one alone. Most health insurance plans will cover hospice care.
This isn’t always an easy or happy subject to bring up, but it’s an important one that will make things easier when a serious illness happens.
LIA: Alan, did you hear about my great-grandmother? You know that she’s been sick for a long time now. The doctors have diagnosed cancer. I’m afraid the prognosis is not very good.
ALAN: Yes, I did hear the news. I’m so sorry, Lia. How is she doing?
LIA: Well, you know my great-grandma. She’s doing just fine! We’re all feeling a little sad about the diagnosis, but Granny is very upbeat about it.
ALAN: Your grandmother’s mom has always been very sensible.
LIA: She started to get her affairs in order when she first got sick. And she is very clear that she doesn’t want to be on machines at the end of her life. We told her, “Granny, you could let the doctors who know medicine make this decision for you.” But Granny made a living will so she is the one deciding what kind of care she will get. Some of my aunts are a little upset. They think the doctors should do anything and everything to keep Granny alive, even if it means using machines to keep her lungs working.
ALAN: How about asking your aunts to talk to someone at the hospice center?
LIA: Right now they are too upset to think calmly.
ALAN: What about having them speak to the doctors again? Or, why don’t you call the chaplain at the hospital? Maybe he can help with their fears.
LIA: That’s a great idea. Maybe the chaplain can give them some comfort, so that they can see that what makes Granny comfortable is the most important thing.
| Tip 1 | Some older people enjoy giving away special belongings like jewelry while they are still healthy. They like to see people they love enjoy the item, and they are sure the person they want to have it will get it. |
| Tip 2 | It’s important to listen if someone wants to talk about plans for their death. No one wants to think about someone they love dying, but it may make the person feel better to discuss it. |
There are a few polite ways to make a suggestion about something. Remember we talked about using how about and why don’t you?
How about asking your aunts . . . ?
Why don’t you call the chaplain . . .?
Here are two others:
What about having them speak to the doctors?
Granny, you could let the doctors make this decision for you.
It’s the call we never want to get: In the middle of the night, the phone rings. A friend tells us that something terrible has happened. Her great-grandmother has just died. Many times this call is expected: Someone has been sick for a long time. Families who experience a loss become very busy making arrangements. Sometimes the person will have planned out a funeral in advance, but often it is the family who must make the funeral arrangements.
Most funerals are occasions for family and friends to meet, share memories of the person they have lost, and join in special services. Funeral homes will arrange to take care of the remains. They will prepare the body for a wake, if the family chooses. This is a common event in the United States. The body is laid in a casket, which is often open, for family and friends to have a final chance to say good-bye. This is known as a viewing. Not everyone is comfortable with this, however, and some families choose a closed coffin.
At a wake, the family is greeted by friends, who offer condolences on their loss. Close friends may arrange to send flowers to the funeral home for display, but often families will ask friends to make a donation to a charity instead. They may write in the obituary, “In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to a special charity.” There are usually visiting times for a day or two, and then there is a funeral service, followed by burial. The funeral is often a church service, but it is sometimes just prayers or a speaker at the cemetery. If there are no religious rites, then the casket will be brought right to the cemetery for interment.
Not all families choose burial of the body in a casket, however. Cremation is becoming a much more common choice. Often the visiting custom is the same, but sometimes there will be no service at the cemetery. Instead, the family may have a memorial service several months later. Often, they will display a special urn with the ashes of their loved one. There may be a church service, or prayers, or simply a ceremony for people to talk about their memories of the person. The urn will be kept in a family member’s home, or it will be buried in a cemetery. Some people will scatter the ashes in a favorite place. The funeral home will be able to tell you if you need special permission to do this.
During the wake period, neighbors and friends try to help in any way they can. It is common for friends to bring food to the house. This is a way to show sympathy for their neighbor’s loss. Some families like to celebrate. This is not a party, but a way to celebrate and honor the person’s life.
While this section describes the typical funeral customs, there are, of course, many different customs. Remember that the United States is made up of people with many religions and traditions, so funeral customs will also be different. For example, some people do not have a wake at all and believe it is important to bury the person within one day. Friends may visit at the home later.
All funerals are respectful of the person who has died and of the wishes of the family. Every family has special ideas about how they want to observe the death of someone they love.
ALAN: Lia, I heard that your great-grandmother passed away. I’m so sorry.
LIA: Thanks, Alan. Yes, we’re all really sad about it, but we know that Granny was ready.
ALAN: Is there anything I can do?
LIA: Our neighbors have been wonderful about leaving us meals, so I don’t think there’s anything we need right now.
ALAN: Well, please accept my condolences. If you think of anything I can do to help your family, just let me know.
LIA: Thank you so much. If we need anything, I’ll let you know.
| Tip 3 | In many parts of the country, it is customary for all cars on a road to stop for a funeral procession. Often, a police car will flash its lights to stop all traffic. Cars in the funeral procession have their headlights on to show that they are part of the funeral. When all the cars have passed by, another police car will allow the normal traffic to begin again. |
| Tip 4 | Death is a part of life that sometimes makes people uncomfortable. Some people don’t even like to say the word die. To make it easier to discuss, people use many euphemisms. You will probably hear the following: He’s passed. She passed away. My grandmother passed on. All these phrases mean the same thing: Someone has died. |
These are some common ways to express sympathy when someone has died:
- I’m so sorry about your loss.
- You have my sympathy.
- You have my condolences.
- Your family is in my thoughts/prayers.
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